This is not a love story
“Hi, I’m Sam.”
I sat back down in my chair as the other members of the Alcoholics Anonymous group grumbled an unenthusiastic welcome.
I didn’t want to be here, I really didn’t. You see, I don’t like to believe I’m like these people; I never took a drink in my entire life before a couple months ago. These people have probably been drinking for years. I suppose though, once you have hit rock bottom, it doesn’t matter how long you’re there, just if you decide to get up.
“I’ve been an alcoholic for a couple months now…”
I waited for any indication they remotely cared (it didn’t come).
“but I guess you’re interested in how I came to be one (they probably weren't). Well, I guess we have to start from the beginning.”
Truth is, I didn’t need to tell them the story that was my life for the past three years, but I really wanted some empathy from someone other than Mickey - my 2-year old Dalmatian. So here I am, about to pour my heart out to a bunch of strangers at an A.A. meeting because when you drink a lot - and oh I drink a lot - you tend to fuck up your life and lose the people who once cared to show that empathy.
“It was my sophomore year at NYU and I guess you could say I wasn’t the most outgoing guy. I mean I was social yeah, but I never put myself out there, ya know?
Judging by their expressions, no, they didn’t know.
Anyway…
“Well I had this roommate Nick, and kind of by default as most roommates tend to be, he was my best friend. But you see me and him, we really weren’t that similar at all. And one day he dragged me on a double date to this tacky Chinese place on 34th, the Golden Dragon, the fucking Golden Dragon, and he’s been wanting to go out for weeks with this girl he’s been talking to and one of her friends. To be honest, I don’t even remember my date, but his date…her name was Sarah; and I swear to fucking God, she was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.”
I smiled in remembrance of that day, dreaming I could go back.
“She was so pretty. You should’ve seen her.”
To me, she was the picture of perfection with her long strawberry blonde hair that gracefully fell down her back in a wave of golden strands - And her eyes, if you could have seen her eyes! Oh her eyes…they were as deep and beautiful as any emerald on earth. Combined with the face of an angel, I could hardly take my eyes off of her.
Which now that I think of it, I feel really bad for my date that night, I hardly paid attention to her.
“Her and Nick dated for about a year after that, and me and Nick’s friendship was dwindling because I moved out junior year and got an internship at a local newspaper. Which kept me too busy for someone I honestly didn’t get along with that well. But see, as Nick and I’s friendship grew apart, Sarah and I grew closer and closer, and in that year, I utterly fell in love with her.”
I fell in love with the way she smiled, how her green eyes wrinkled and her eyebrows scrunched up whenever she laughed. I fell in love in only a way a writer could, wanting to find the perfect combination of words to describe her and always falling up short.
At this point the room was filled with half-hearted, disinterested stares because they had to listen to, what they assumed was, another one of the many love stories gone wrong. I didn’t care.
“So naturally when I got that phone call that December night with Sarah sobbing on the other end about how Nick cheated on her and how he was the biggest douche on the planet, I felt mixed emotions of sympathy, sadness, and even a little joy. Yeah she just got cheated on, but finally, finally this was my chance you know. So I picked her up from the apartment that she and Nick shared and brought her over to my place for the night.”
I wasn’t going to tell her, I couldn’t. Not that night.
“I didn’t tell her how I felt, I was her friend, and for that night, that is all she needed. It was a night filled with funny movies, hot chocolate, and lame jokes in an effort to make her laugh; well you know those little laughs people do when they’re crying and they crack a small smile and sniffle a little and you know deep down, they’re going to be okay?”
Again, they did not. Rough crowd.
“I’d like to tell you that that night was the beginning of a long and romantic relationship with her, but sadly, no.”
“She slept on the couch that night and woke up later in the day when I was home from my classes. She thanked me a lot and gave me a kiss on the cheek and, what is still to today, the best hug I have ever gotten. She told me she’d call me later and we would hang out, which we did. But you know, it never seemed to escalate to what I ever hoped it would be. We were the best of friends for two years and we told each other everything. We knew each other inside and out, and always knew how to make each other happy no matter what breakup we went though or failed test occurred. But through it all, I never stopped falling in love with her. Every late night phone call, movie night, and Sunday breakfast made me fall deeper and deeper in love.”
She was perfect.
“She was perfect.”
“And I never told her.”
I begin to choke up and my eyes start to water. They don’t know why though.
“And then it was too late.”
I stare at the ground for what seems like hours. I don’t want them to see me like this.
“Sarah was diagnosed with terminal cancer five months ago, they found it late and the doctor gave her a month…”
She always hated going to the doctor.
And that’s when it all went downhill. Cue the waterworks. Someone bring me a bucket.
“And I could never tell after that… I couldn’t do that to her, I couldn’t make it any worse than it already was. She didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve anything bad to ever happen to her.”
They understand why I’m here now; they know I’m not just some loser with a lame breakup story. Well, at least I don’t have a lame breakup story I mean.
The lady sitting next to me puts an arm around me in an effort to comfort me. So there I am, hysterically sobbing in a stranger’s hug at an A.A. meeting. I guess you could call this a low point in my life.
Time goes by. I couldn’t tell you how long though, as the sadness never seems to stop.
“At her funeral, her mom came up to me with an envelope addressed to me. She told me there was a letter inside that Sarah wrote two weeks ago for me.”
“It said…” I take out the letter from my jacket.
“My dearest Sam,
If you are reading this letter then you must know how sorry I am to have to leave you. You have been the greatest friend that anyone could ask for and when the world got tough and my life got dark, you were always there for me. And sometime in between that day you took me back to your place after that whole situation with Nick, and today, I fell completely in love with you. Seeing your face, your smile, being with you, it’s all I looked forward to all week. Having you here with me when I’m sick, it makes me happy even in a time when I know nothing good is going to happen. For that, I can’t ever repay you, you made my last days something more than a pit of sadness. From the day you stepped into my life until the day I will have stepped out of yours, you brought life into me. I love you so much Sam and I am so deeply sorry that you have to find out like this, but I couldn’t bear to see your face if I told you knowing that I was going to die soon. I wish we had more time together, but thank you for making the time we did the best times of my life.
All the love I have,
Sarah.”
I’ve read this note so many times I’ve lost count, and its painful reminder of reality. I stand there red-eyed staring at a fixed point on the wall as a wave of memories and emotions flood into me all at once. I don’t start sobbing though, I think I’ve ran out of tears. But you know that feeling when your face gets uncontrollably scrunched up and you just fell like screaming and crying but nothing comes out? Yeah that was me for what I thought was the longest minute of my life.
“I wake up every morning and the first thing on my mind is regret. The biggest mistake I ever made was not telling her I loved her.”
I calm down. Eventually.
“And for what? The fear of being rejected, making a complete idiot of myself? Well I’ll tell you what, don’t ever let your fears become greater than your dreams, because it’s at that point that you rob yourself of truly living.”
Someone has got to put that quote in an elementary school wall with a basketball in the background or something, damn.
“That was four months ago, and since this is an A.A. meeting I guess I should talk about recovery…”
“I’ve been sober for 3 weeks now. I guess I just resolved to the fact that there is nothing I could do to get her back and all alcohol did was numb me to the world around me and to the people who still cared about me. And I couldn’t lose anyone else”
They all lightly clap for me, but it doesn’t seem to make me feel any better, but venting did feel kind of nice.
“I got a dog actually, his name is Mickey, he’s a Dalmatian and I love him. He kinda forces me to show love and affection again and he’s the main reason I’m out my slump…anyway, I hope I didn’t bore you guys too much. Thanks for letting me vent”
When the meeting was over, a pale young man that couldn’t be two years younger than me wanted to talk.
“Hey man, I just wanted to say thank you.” he said “My name’s Michael, I’m not sure if you remember me from the funeral, but I’m one of Sarah’s cousins. I just wanted to say thanks for telling your story, it’s been um…really hard lately, and some days it just gets too hard and I just can’t deal with it anymore.”
Sobbing he says, “I actually wasn’t supposed to be here tonight…you see I was gonna take my own life tonight because it never seemed to get better for me. But this morning my dad called me and asked me to come to this, so I said I’ll go for him and I said to myself ‘fine, I’ll do this for my dad and that is it. I’ll be done.’”
“But I’m glad he did, because if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be alive tomorrow.” He continued.
I reach to embrace him. I understand what he’s going through, we all do.
“Thank you for saving my life.” Were his final words to me and with that, he left. We parted ways, leaving me with a feeling that I haven’t felt in ages.
Hope.